


Loss and Love

by Daphne_Dark



Series: Surpassing The Love Of Women [2]
Category: The Man in the High Castle (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sex, Intercrural Sex, M/M, Non-canonical elements, hint of fellatio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 21:22:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18948913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daphne_Dark/pseuds/Daphne_Dark
Summary: ...a tale of love, found at last, but laced with bittersweet...  Set at the beginning of S3





	Loss and Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



Oberstgruppenführer Smith looked at the clock. It was past 6:00, and most of the staff had been gone for some time. Twilight shadows were gathering.

Later that evening, Sturmbannführer Raeder was going to an area off of downtown to give Joe cash and final instructions before he headed to the JPS as a trade attaché. For some reason John was feeling very unsettled by all of this.

He rose from his chair, and reached into a cabinet, pulling out a decanter of prime bourbon and two heavy glasses. He set them on the coffee table in front of the sofa. Then he called in his aide.

Erich came in and John motioned him to sit. Silently, he poured Erich a drink, then poured one for himself. They sipped the bourbon and made small talk.

Erich noted that his CO seemed nervous. “Worried about something, sir?”

John downed the rest of his drink then turned to Erich. “Yes, this assignment tonight. With Joe. Joe’s neighborhood… it’s not the best area. Do you want me to take it?”

“Oh, that’s not necessary, sir. It’s not like I haven’t been in worse situations.” He patted his belt with a shaky chuckle. “I guess I know how to use my Glock on any pickpockets that may appear.”

John slumped, staring at a spot in the floor. “It’s not a laughing matter, Erich.” He turned his head to look at his aide and sat back up.

“No… of course not,” said Erich. “You know I take my responsibility seriously.”

John put a hand on his shoulder. “Yes, I _do_ know that. “ He rubbed the palm of his hand over his aide’s shoulder. Erich tried to smile, wondering what had gotten into his boss tonight…

Suddenly, he was being pulled toward him. John mumbled his name, then wrapped his arms around him. “I know you can take care of yourself. But… did Joe seem different to you? Not himself?”

Erich shook his head. “He did not seem himself. Though he’s been through a lot…”

“Yes… lost a father just at the same time I lost a son. These losses add up, Erich…” Smith seemed far away for a moment. “I tire of the losses sometimes. Like the time I almost lost you…” He tightened his grip around his aide’s waist.

Awkwardly, Erich returned the embrace, not sure what to make of this sudden emotional outpouring. He fought within himself… Smith felt so wonderful in his arms, but surely the two of them must never forget that Erich’s proclivities put them both in danger.

But as they held each other, their breathing matched. John’s face was hot against his neck, nuzzling him like a mother cat. Then Smith lifted his face up, and held Erich’s cheek. There was camaraderie in it… and something more.

“Erich,” John breathed, “ I’m afraid to let you go.”

“Come now… it’s just a routine operation. Nothing I haven’t done for you before. I’ll meet him at 9, be done by 9:30, and be back home by 10:30 if not sooner. Why don’t you wait for me at the apartment? ”

Erich had an apartment a few floors below John, something John had arranged after returning from Berlin. It was rather handy as they often could be driven to or from work at the same time. The two of them had gotten used to visiting on evenings or nights, especially after Helen and the girls were safe in bed. Their growing friendship was a comfort to both of them as their jobs became more demanding… and as Mrs. Smith descended into ever more erratic behavior.

John licked his lips nervously. Out of the blue, he touched his lips to Erich’s.

The touch was electric. For a moment both men drew back, but John leaned in. Erich was flabbergasted, and distressed to find that he was kissing him back. No, he mustn’t; this was wrong.

But Smith’s mouth was firm on his, and neither had any inclination to let go. This was hell and heaven rolled into one. But at last Raeder realized that there was no need to fight, so he gave in. Unbidden, he worked his hand in his CO’s hair and John moaned against his mouth. Oh, heaven, definitely heaven…

John leaned back against the armrest of the sofa, pulling Erich on top of him, and stroking his back. He sank into the sofa and sighed.

“Thomas is dead; Joe is leaving; and Helen is…”

“Yes, Sir, I know she’s not well.”

“Helen is drunk and frigid,” Smith said abruptly, spitting out the words. There, I’ve said it, thought John; I may as well go on. “God knows I’ve tried. And it’s a fact that it was you who came to me in Reykjavík and told me of my son, not her.”

“Sir… we were never to speak of that again.”

“Well, _I’m_ bringing it up - and please call me John. Think of all we’ve been through. I can’t lose you. And I… I’m trying to _love_ you the way you deserve.” John reached for him again, and kissed him slowly.

John continued stroking his aide’s back… all of his aide’s back, Erich realized, as his boss’s long fingers tentatively touched his glutes. Erich tried to fight the unexpected frisson, but he couldn’t. He kissed John harder, and they both yielded.

Awkwardly, John reached down to him, stroking Erich’s penis through the stiff uniform pants…

“Ohh… if you do that… I won’t be able to stop. Sir, the office… this isn’t safe.”

“No one’s here, and I locked the door behind us. We’re probably not safe anywhere. But here is as safe as we can be…”

Erich could not believe the gift being given him. He unbuttoned John’s tunic. He’d was a fool to take this love being offered, but he’d a bigger one _not_ to take it. So there he was, undressing John, having his way with him… with John yielding gratefully to every touch of his hands.

“I’m… not sure what to do next, Erich,” said John. “I’m rather inexperienced…”

The way his superior’s hand was massaging his cock and reaching for his balls suggested to Erich that either his CO had read plenty of “criminal reports,” or else had a pretty good imagination.

“You’re fine, si-... John. Relax and leave it to me.“ He unfastened the front and back of the suspenders of the SS uniform, pulling down the trousers. He paused in admiration for a moment; his boss was well-formed and well-hung. He dropped his own trousers, and lay on top. They relaxed into each other. Erich’s cock found that lovely niche between his boss’s thighs, and he gently moved John’s cock so it was sandwiched warmly between their bellies. Interfemoral. Erich had never found it to fail either himself or his lovers…

John’s own cock was twitching and hardening fast, tickling Erich’s stomach. He could not believe the pleasure he was feeling. It had taken some sketchy moral sophistry with himself to get him here. In the end, it was not his inclination, but his love for his friend that brought John here. What he _had_ not expected was the utter excitement it was bringing him - and a newfound desire to yield wholly to Erich’s will.

And Erich was carrying him away with passion. His head was swimming… the aide was pumping against him, smushing John’s cock between their bellies, knowing how it would excite him. Caught in the moment, Erich slapped his hip and his flank, and John cried out. It startled him, but it pleased him to be punished…

Suddenly a hand was at his mouth. “Please, we mustn’t make noise… you _never know_ when someone comes in late to finish up a report…”

Yes, I hadn’t thought of that, thought John, and he stifled his cries. But to the surprise of them both, John leaned into the hand that gagged him. Erich couldn’t believe it. In sexual relations his preference had always been to lead, but he was surprised to see John submitting so easily. He bore up under, and even enjoyed, a hint of rougher trade.

But Erich could think no more about these details… he was coming hard. He mounted his lover harder and faster, and John gave over, spurting and writhing with incredible force. Erich was coming too, and he kissed John roughly, until their lips were swollen. They came together one last time, then tumbled to a heap.

***

John held his lover in his arms. The force of their encounter had shocked him. Even more than that, he was surprised and delighted to find that he loved being led by Erich, enjoyed being dominated.

Should he have been surprised, though? He stroked his lover, thinking of all the times he’d depended on him. Erich, his unseen support. His Sturmbannnführer arranged logistics, led him through ceremonial and social events, summarized those domestic issues that John hadn’t had time for and which were slightly beyond his duties. If he depended on Erich to lead him through so much of the mundane, then it seemed natural for this man to lead him through the quirks of this new love. And how he would relish it…

Erich looked up, throwing off some of his post-orgasmic laziness. “Well, that was something…” They kissed sweetly.

“Yeah, it was. It was like…” John’s mouth twisted humorously, “ ‘being rewarded with an oceanic experience’ !”

They looked at each other and burst into laughter. It was a private joke between them that they said whenever words failed to describe something sublime, or ridiculous – or both.

They went to the side bathroom to wash up, washing with gentle and deft strokes. John was good at this, Erich thought; they were both beginning to harden again.

“I… hope I was all right,” John stammered, “This part was… relatively easy. There are some aspects of this love that I… I can’t quite _see_ …”

Erich took John into his arms, holding him. “Do you mean anal?” John nodded uncomfortably. “Don’t worry about it. We don’t have to. Not everybody does everything… and every couple has to find their own pace.”

“Well, I don’t want to leave you unsatisfied…” John was drying Erich’s penis, then suddenly trailed his lips down his chest. “This, on the other hand…”

John leaned Erich against the counter, and bent over him, laying a series of kisses along his cock.

Erich sighed luxuriously. Oh, he loved this! but time was ticking fast. “Ohh, John, yes, I want this too… but!...” he pulled his boss up.

“Why, Erich! Am I doing something wrong?” John’s hand remained on his penis, squeezing gently.

“No, of course not. You have no idea how much I love your touch, how good you feel. I want to share this with you, but… _time!_ … we’re running out of time.”

A shudder went through John. “I know… I feel like time is running out for all of us. Don’t we have a few minutes, for me to pleasure you this way?”

Erich grimaced; he too was disappointed in cutting this short. “By the clock, we probably do, if I just let you do this to me and don’t reciprocate; and neither of us can linger. John dear, this is a special thing - a chance for us to give and receive unabashedly. I don’t want to rush it.”

John’s eyes were hooded and sad. “Yes… I understand. I just don’t want to send you out there feeling… _unloved_.”

Erich kissed him, running kisses along his collarbone and neck. “No chance of that. I have never felt so loved as I do at this moment.” He placed his lips on John’s, then, gently, ran his tongue inside. John accepted, thrusting back and absorbing the moment.

They finally broke apart, gasping a bit with pleasure . “Well, take that as a little taste of what you have to look forward to! Wait for me in the apartment. When I get back safely, we can celebrate a special night together. Hmm? We’ll explore this some more… and anything else we want.”

John clinched him tightly. “All right, Erich; just as you say.”

They finished dressing, and Erich headed toward the door to prepare for his mission. John walked with him, holding his hand - practically squeezing until his knuckles were white. They kissed one last time at the door.

“Come home safely,” John said.

“I’ll see you tonight.” Erich closed the door behind him.

John leaned his head against the door. Tears started to stream down his face and he was shaking; he didn’t know why.

“I love you,” he whispered. But he was alone.


End file.
